Blog - disenfranchised grief

Grief is an inevitable and universal experience, and our support networks can provide invaluable solace to us during these difficult times. Sometimes however, grief can remain hidden, and therefore unacknowledged by those around us, and this is known as disenfranchised grief. There may be several reasons that this kind of grief can occur:

• The relationship you had with the person who has died may not be recognised by others as being significant, for example, when the person who died was an ex-spouse, or when you are grieving for the loss of a pet.

• The relationship is not public knowledge, and those around you are unaware that you are grieving. For example, when you are in a secret relationship, such as an affair, or you have chosen not to reveal a relationship for fear of judgement. This can also include a miscarriage that occurs before the pregnancy has announced.

• Workplace culture - there are professions that involve dealing with loss repeatedly, for example the emergency services and funeral directors. These losses can be seen as ‘part of the job’ and promote the idea that we shouldn’t be personally affected by these deaths

• Stigma surrounding the cause of death. There remain today some circumstances of death that people find difficult to openly discuss, including suicide and drug overdoses. Not only can the grieving person feel there is taboo around such deaths, but openly discussing it may result in revisiting the trauma of the event.

• Social expectations. Society has expectations about grief, and you may experience comments such as “shouldn’t you be feeling better by now?” or “You need to pull yourself together, it’s time to move on”.

Navigating the pain of grief in isolation is incredibly difficult, and it may cause emotional, psychological and physical effects. Without social validation of our grief, feelings of shame and guilt can begin to emerge and without the chance to express how we are feeling, our emotional distress may intensify. It is not unusual for feelings of anger and fear to accompany a sense of sadness and loneliness, and importantly, it can delay the processing of the grief, and in turn the healing.

So, what can be done to help you cope with disenfranchised grief? An important first step is to know that no matter what your loss is, if it feels painful to you, then your pain is valid and your grief matters. There is no need to apologise or feel ashamed for grieving the loss of someone - or something - that is important to you. One option is that you try and process the grief by yourself, and this may involve finding creative ways to express your feelings. How often have you read or heard that journaling can be helpful? And how often have you actually tried it? Caroline and I know the value of this simple habit, but we also know that there is often reluctance to try it. Grief journaling can provide you with a safe and comforting ritual, that allows you to develop clarity and perspective about your grief. It also allows you to record and track how your feelings have changed over time and can often provide a calming effect for your emotions. Also, maybe consider this – it can be used as a way to communicate with the person you have lost, and for some people, it can provide a way to ‘spend time’ them.

The bereavement charities in the UK run brilliant helplines. Cruse and Marie Curie have free phone helplines (see our resources page for details) where you can speak with someone who will listen and support you with your grief, if you feel it is unacknowledged or misunderstood by those around you. These helplines can provide you with a space to tell the story of your grief in a way that you may never have had the chance to do. Many people come to a bereavement helpline and simply begin the conversation by saying ‘I’m not sure where to begin’. This is entirely natural, and this is all you have to say - the helpline volunteer will guide you from there.

We know that not everyone is in the position to undertake it, but professional bereavement support can help greatly with disenfranchised grief. As professionals, we understand the difficulties it can bring, and we are able to work with you to validate this often over-looked type of grief. Our aim would be to foster healing in you, and to help you develop a sense of resilience for the future. We are also able to help you develop the skills to perhaps begin talking about your hidden sorrow with your family and friends, and we can support you, should you decide to start having these conversations. Seeking such support might be particularly important if you feel that you are experiencing a deterioration in your mental health, such as a worsening of an anxiety disorder or depression.

As ever, we send you our kindest thoughts if you are experiencing any of the things we have described here. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch if you wish to find out how we can help you.