Our clients tell us about finding comfort in different ways following the loss of a loved one. For some, it is TV programmes (Ricky Gervais’s After Life is frequently mentioned), for others it is music (Nick Cave’s Into My Arms has brought great solace to some of our clients), and for some it is poetry. We would like to share our own favourite poems with you, and explain why we chose these particular verses.
Caroline - I chose this poem Pretending by Becky Hemsley (from her book When I am Gone) because when I am working with people it can feel like we are fighting the messages from society, and the expectations of those around us, that we should try and "be strong" or "put a brave face on". This poem sums up beautifully why we shouldn't pretend, why that doesn't work and how acknowledging and accepting how we are feeling is an important part of processing our grief. It also contains the glimmers of light and hope we need when we are in the darkest places and feel we will never move forward.
Pretending
I know you have been trying
to pretend you're quite ok
but things just seem to feel harder
with each passing day
so when days are difficult
be gentle on yourself
and when you're feeling lonely
share your tears with someone else
when everything feels cold
then wrap yourself up nice and warm
and when it's dark and gloomy
then seek shelter from the storm
when sleep keeps on evading you
find comfort in the day
and when the sadness visits
it's ok to let it stay
don't fight against your feelings
it's a battle you can't win
and you'll struggle to befriend them
if you don't invite them in
see, they are used to others
trying to run away and hide
but they will keep on knocking
if they're always locked outside
so sit awhile with sadness
tell it all your tales of grief
and when you've cried a thousand times
it might make plans to leave
see, this is just a visit -
an appointment it's attending
it's here to help you realise
you don't need to keep pretending
so when you feel the colder days,
the clouds that swell with rain
when sadness has returned to bring
the darkness back again
yes, when it comes to visit -
when it's knocking at the door
you'll know that it's a sign
to love yourself a little more
Claudia - I love the poem In Lieu of Flowers by Shawna Lemay. She was inspired to write it after she read her Friend’s Father’s obituary in which it stated his Father had requested ‘in lieu of flowers, please take a friend or loved on out for lunch'. This poem has such a beautiful sentiment behind it, and it is an important one too - the person we love who has died, in all likelihood loved us back in equal measure. They would want us to know that the thing that matters most to them, is that we go on living, that we take pleasure in small things and that we appreciate the gift of life. Remember them, but honour them in the best way you can - by flowering in the wake of their loss.
In Lieu of flowers
Although I love flowers very much, I won’t see them when I’m gone. So in lieu of flowers:
Buy a book of poetry written by someone still alive, sit outside with a cup of tea, a glass of wine, and read it out loud, by yourself or to someone, or silently.
Spend some time with a single flower. A rose maybe. Smell it, touch the petals. Really look at it.
Drink a nice bottle of wine with someone you love. Or, Champagne. And think of what John Maynard Keynes said, “My only regret in life is that I did not drink more Champagne.” Or what Dom Perignon said when he first tasted the stuff: “Come quickly! I am tasting stars!”
Take out a paint set and lay down some colours.
Watch birds. Common sparrows are fine. Pigeons, too. Geese are nice. Robins.
In lieu of flowers, walk in the trees and watch the light fall into it. Eat an apple, a really nice big one. I hope it’s crisp.
Have a long soak in the bathtub with candles, maybe some rose petals.
Sit on the front stoop and watch the clouds. Have a dish of strawberry ice cream in my name.
If it’s winter, have a cup of hot chocolate outside for me. If it’s summer, a big glass of ice water.
If it’s autumn, collect some leaves and press them in a book you love. I’d like that.
Sit and look out a window and write down what you see. Write some other things down.
In lieu of flowers,
I would wish for you to flower.
I would wish for you to blossom, to open, to be beautiful.