Fault lines

Guilt is perhaps one of the most universally experienced aspects of grief - and it is something that we frequently explore with our clients. Guilt might be framed as the painful side-kick to grief, and it can be the heaviest of burdens to carry on an already difficult path to recovery. Guilt itself, is an important emotion. It is valuable because it provides us with a moral compass, enabling us to distinguish 'right from wrong' in this life. But why do we so commonly feel guilty after someone dies? One reason might be that, following a loss, there is often a natural need to make sense of what has happened. Death is bewildering and shocking, so we need an explanation - something or someone must be to blame for our loss. If the something is simply fate; an event that was always destined to happen, this may not satisfy us. To accept this explanation requires us to accept the unpredictable nature of life and death, and this seeming randomness may cause us to feel too unsafe, too frightened. So we try to regain some control, believing then that the cause must lie with someone.

When we blame the person who has died, this can become resentment.

When we blame others, this can become anger.

When we blame ourselves this can become guilt.

There are various forms that guilt can take in grief:

Causation guilt - this is a sense of responsibility for the death. If you saw events unfolding, why did you not make them go to the GP sooner? Or, if only you had not gone out that day, leaving them alone, might you have been able to save them?

Role guilt - this is a sense of not having fulfilled your duties well enough. This might range from not feeling you were not a good enough daughter to feeling you have somehow failed your child by being unable to protect them.

Survivor's guilt - for example, 'my Brother was younger and fitter than me, so how has this happened?'

Recovery guilt - this is a sense of guilt we might experience as we begin to move forward. This can feel like a betrayal of the person we have lost, and it can be incredibly difficult to give ourselves permission to feel sparks of joy again in our life.

We outline these different types of guilt because we know it can be extremely helpful to be curious about the guilt we are feeling. Ask yourself what exactly it is that you feel guilty about? Once you are able to pin-point this, you might then be in a position to begin rationalising this guilt. Think back to the times when you did or did not do the things that are casing your guilt - what were your intentions at the time? Were you acting with the intention of trying to make something awful occur, or were you simply acting with the very best of intentions, using the resources you had available to you at the time? Our guess is the latter, so please try to remember the context of these events; remember who you were at that time and what you were capable of. It may helpful to remind yourself that feeling guilty and being guilty are two different things.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross asks us to question how we could possibly foresee all the possible consequences of our actions or inactions. She describes how we function in this life under the illusion of 'infinite time'. We do not behave as if each day is our last, nor as if each day is our loved one's last, because that is simply not tenable. This illusion of infinite time means we always believe there will another time to go and visit our Mum, or to make amends with our estranged sibling. When confronted with the news that this cannot be so, we may begin to feel tortured by such acts of omission. These feelings of guilt are so often self-inflicted (those around us rarely appear to be blaming us), and it may be the case that we need to forgive ourselves.

Forgiveness is a conscious and deliberate decision to let go of feelings of resentment toward someone who has harmed you - it is probably something we have all done, so why do we find it so hard to show ourselves forgiveness? We are human, we are complex and flawed and everyone makes mistakes, it is part of our nature. Grief is a long and winding road - we need our strength to withstand it - and shedding negative emotions that may be holding us back is incredibly important. Self-forgiveness is not an act of weakness, but instead, one of strength. Most importantly perhaps, is it realistic to believe that those loved-ones we have lost would not forgive us? Your relationship with them was built upon an enduring relationship that surely transcends any perceived wrong doings on your part. Please try to see the bigger picture. If you can, step back and see the entirety of the your time with that person; see the over-arching love that existed between you, and let that outshine any moments of regret or guilt.

We will leave the last word to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, because, as ever she puts it so beautifully; "Do your best to make peace with as many regrets as possible. It would have been unrealistic to have been perfect and have no regrets. Isn't it true that if you could have made better choices then you would have? If there are things you wish you had said, know that you can still say them in your heart to your loved one. It is never too late to say 'I'm sorry, forgive me. I love you' ".

As always, If you are reading this and you are grieving at the moment, Caroline and I send you our kindest wishes.