Postcards from the edge

Most people know that writing a diary or journal can be helpful, not just in our most difficult of times, but also in helping to process the ups and down of everyday life. At Sussex Bereavement Services, we are both great believers in the therapeutic value of writing down your thoughts and feelings when grieving, yet we also know that clients often hesitate to take us up on this particular recommendation. Have you ever considered taking pen to paper to help you work through a situation that you are struggling with? Maybe you went as far as buying a new notebook in which to write, but which now lays tucked away in a drawer with its pages still bare. What stopped you? Maybe it was a problem finding the time, or you thought you would be ‘no good’ at it, or perhaps you lost your confidence over the thought that someone might find it and read your inner thoughts.

Let’s think about how we might simplify the idea of grief journaling. Firstly, there is no wrong or right way of doing it. If it feels right to you, you can just open the page and let your thoughts and feelings flow in a fast and unchecked fashion, with no need to worry about spelling or punctuation, as this is just you off loading your inner thoughts. With this style of free-flowing writing, you might want to set yourself a timer of a few minutes, and try not to overthink or be too logical about what you are writing (this is not about perfection). The great advantage of writing this way is that you may surprise yourself to see some of the things that emerge on the paper. It can also offer you the chance to express thoughts and feelings that maybe you don’t feel ready to say out loud just yet. For example, are you angry? Are you angry with a family member, with God, or with the person who has died? Maybe you simply cannot say this to anyone without fear of judgement - well here is where your notebook comes in, providing you with a space where there is no judgement and no-one to upset with your thoughts. Journalling can also help when thoughts are racing around your head (and maybe you are thinking about the same things over and over), writing these thoughts down can act as a way of releasing them, taking them from your head and onto the paper. This can be particularly helpful if you find you have repetitive thoughts at night when you are trying to get to sleep.

Perhaps however, the thought of this unstructured way of writing just doesn’t sit well with you. Maybe you would like to begin with some prompts, so here are a few ideas:

• Today I am missing……

• My favourite memory of my loved one is…..

• Recently, I have been feeling……

• I wish other people knew….

• The thing that brings me the most comfort is......

The Sue Ryder charity has an online journal section where you can record your thoughts electronically, and there are prompts to help get you started, as well as the option of selecting which emotions best describe how you are feeling that particular day.

Another way you might use writing as a way to help you with your grief is to compose a letter to your loved one who has died. Doing this may be a more considered act than journalling, and may require you to take some time to sit in a quiet place and reflect upon what you want to say in the letter. Whilst this is not the easiest of tasks to complete, the therapeutic value of letter writing has been remarkable to see in some of our clients. Here are some ideas of what you might write about:

• Tell your loved one what you have learnt from them, or perhaps what you have learnt about yourself since they died

• Tell them what has been going on in your life recently

• Ask them for forgiveness over something that is troubling you

• To tell them something you didn’t get to say to them before they died

What might you do with the letter once you have written it? Most clients choose to place it somewhere safe, content in the knowledge that it was the writing of the letter, not the sending of it, that brought a sense of peace to them. We like the suggestion of placing it inside your favourite book, or perhaps inside your loved one's favourite book.

If letter writing and journaling sounds too much to manage at the moment, how about writing a postcard? Richard Littledale's book 'Postcards from the Land of Grief'' documents the series of postcards that he wrote following the death of his wife, Fiona. He explains in the book that this seemed a logical thing to do, given that in grief, he felt "away from home", recalling that the loss felt like a "gnawing homesickness for the place I used to live, and I missed it so much". A striking part of the book, is the comparison between his first and last postcard (one year after Fiona's death). The first documents the strangeness of the landscape of grief, how he unexpectedly felt regrets and how his world felt muffled by the force of grief. His last postcard showed his acceptance that he was no longer a visitor to this world, he instead lived there now, noting that he had found a way to fit in with the customs and language of his new home. This illustrates another benefit that can emerge from writing in grief - we are then privy to an intimate record of how far we have come in our journey, and this may prove invaluable when we feel that nothing is changing for us.

Maybe, if we can't tempt you write, doodling could be your thing? Gary Andrews wrote his book showing the doodle a day he decided to draw following the sudden loss of his wife, Joy. 'Finding Joy' documents the struggles of both himself and his two young children as they adjusted to life without her. Movingly, Gary often depicts Joy in the background of the everyday scenes that he shows, lightly drawn and always smiling as she watches upon them. Grief itself, is depicted as a winged demon, whose presence, whilst not welcomed by the end of the book, was "tolerated", with Gary stating that at times, he even "invited him closer", understanding that his visit would not necessarily be a long one. As with 'Postcards from the Land of Grief ', Gary's book shows a creative way to express grief and documents a journey that may provide hope to those in the early stages of loss. Gary continues to doodle everyday, and his instagram account documents his life with his children and new partner.

We hope we have given you some food for thought about expressing your grief - whether it is writing letters, postcards, journalling or drawing. The wonderful thing about doing any of these things is that the page of the notebook gives you a safe space to express yourself, as little or as much as you need to, 24 hours a day. It can provide you with a way to see how far you have come, and also provides an outlet for the intensity of emotion that comes with grief. By having a brief time set aside to write or draw each day, your mind will be assured that you have created this space, and it will know that if a wave of grief washes over you during the day, then there will be time set aside to express this at some point in your notebook. You may also find that you come to see this time as a way of spending time with your loved one who has died, and this may be an act of great comfort when you are missing them so dearly.

As ever, if you are grieving at the moment, please know that we are so sorry, and we send you our very kindest wishes.