Things no-one told you about grief

Grief is something that in all probability, each of us will experience in our lifetime, however it remains something we pay little attention to until the time it happens. In truth it probably cannot be understood until it happens, and indeed, this may be a good thing - something that serves to protect us from the possible pain that the future holds. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote that encountering the unique pain of loss "means we have experienced life to its fullest, complete with the cycle of birth and death". Whilst Kubler-Ross saw grief as an integral part of being human, it remains undeniably shattering to our souls. As we rebuild our world, we may draw on the plentiful resources that we have at our disposal today, thanks mostly to a move towards talking openly about grief in a way that previous generations were not encouraged to do. In this blog, we look at some of the things that might not be so obvious about grief; things we know that are often surprising to our clients.

Sometimes, people you thought were friends become strangers, and people who are strangers become your friends

It can be extremely upsetting to find that in the midst of grief, those who you thought you could rely on, are not there for you. This is not perhaps a sign that they don’t care, but rather that they feel out of their depth and don’t know what to say, however with longstanding friends, this distance can feel like another loss. Conversely however, it can show us which of our friends will show up for us in difficult times. We might choose then, to focus on these people, and also on the new ones that come into our life when we needed them the most - maybe someone you meet at a support group or someone who begun supporting you through a charity. Indeed, the kindness of strangers can be all the more meaningful when we are feeling at our lowest.

Grief can sometimes draw families closer together - but it can also cause terrible rifts

Families tend to operate as a delicately balanced system, and a death can throw things seriously off balance. We may find that we need to assume a different role in the family, and as these shifting dynamics collide with the complex emotions that grief can throw up, it can cause upset and tensions within a family unit. Old wounds can be re-opened by grief; long standing sibling rivalry can be felt with renewed intensity, for example. Material possessions can become a source of great upset, including when possessions of the deceased should be sorted through, and who should get to keep them. Grief can cause people to behave out of character, and it can be useful to try and rationalise any tensions or arguments by remembering this. If you have had a strong relationship with a family member for many years prior to this loss, the chances are that grief is the guilty party here, and your family member has not suddenly revealed themselves to be an uncaring or insensitive person.

You may feel physically unwell

Grief is a shock to our whole system, and it is often the case that you may feel unwell physically. Headaches, body aches, nausea, loss of appetite and tightness in your chest may all be symptoms that make an unwelcome appearance. Prolonged periods of sleep deprivation can add to the general feeling of being unwell, and can cause immune systems to weaken, often meaning that viruses may hit us particularly hard in the period after a loved -one dies.

The so called ‘death admin’ needed to be done after someone dies can be vast

It is time-consuming and often stressful, and you may find it hard to summon the energy or emotional strength to complete it. Beyond organising the funeral and registering the death, the next of kin will need to contact a wide range of organisations to let them know what has happened, and since there is no standardised process that operates between them, you may find yourself having to relay the details of your loss to strangers on the phone, whilst some companies may accept an online form. We know from our clients that many companies remain inept at handling this process well. The emotional toll of repeatedly having to explain that someone has died, is high. This is compounded by having to contact companies again, after having already explained the situation, upon finding that they are still sending correspondence addressed to the person who has died. The Bereavement Advice Centre website has useful links on how to inform companies and organisations as easily as possible.

It is absolutely exhausting

Grieving takes a lot of energy, and it is so often the case that life rarely affords us the luxury of pausing and allowing us to gather our breath. The everyday demands of life continue, our sleep is hugely impacted, we hold tension in our bodies, we cry, and the brain begins the demanding task of reconciling the difference between our internal world – where our loved ones still exist – and the painful reality of the external world, where we cannot locate them. What can be particularly surprising, is how long this tiredness lasts. After the initial shock of grief begins to fade, the demanding task of resuming 'normal' life begins, and the strength needed to rise everyday, focus on our job, maintain relationships or parent children, is vast. You may feel depleted for many months as you reconcile the loss into your life.

The ending may stay with you

If you were with your loved-one when they died, you may find that you replay their final days or hours continually, especially in the early days of your grief. The truth is that not all passing is gentle – it is not like we are shown in the movies, and families can be left with a sense that the death was not the one they would have have wanted for that person. If you are experiencing flashbacks of the ending, this can be extremely distressing, although it is generally considered quite normal in the grieving process. Watching someone you love die is traumatic, and in an effort to capture what is happening, the brain (much like a camera) will record vivid snapshots of the event. In the coming weeks, these snapshots will be recalled, as the brain tries to process this difficult time. Understanding the process behind frightening experiences such as flashbacks, can help clients understand not only what is happening, but why it is happening. As distressing as flashbacks are, they are serving a purpose, and they will pass, given some time. Talking to someone about how it feels to have these flashbacks (rather than specifically what you are seeing in the flashbacks) can help greatly.

Busyness can be a great anaesthetic - for a while

Keeping yourself busy, to the point that you fall into bed exhausted every night can be a way of leaving no time or space to think about, or feel the loss you have experienced. Busyness can be a successful short-term strategy for coping with grief - but not such a great long-term one. Many people soon realise that their grief will simply wait patiently for them to stop being busy. Michael Rosen's book We're going on a bear hunt depicts the journey of a group of children on a bear hunt. Encountering a deep cold river, a big dark forest and a swirling whirling snowstorm, the children remind us each time that "We can't go over it. We can't go under it. Oh no! We've got to go through it". This is a perhaps a perfect description of grief. To get to the other side, we must pass through the eye of the storm, there are no short cuts.

Happy things can make you feel sad

Grief can make so many events feel bittersweet. Receiving good news about a family member, or achieving something that means a lot to you, can result in you wishing desperately that your loved-one was here to share these moments with you. Someone offering to take you to a lovely event, or to take you away for a few days to help you with your grief, can result in you feeling guilty about experiencing something that should bring you pleasure. Watching a beautiful moment in nature, such as the colours of a sun setting, or snow beginning to fall, can all serve as reminders that you are seeing something that your loved-one is not here to see.

People will forget you are grieving

In the weeks following a death, your family, friends and colleagues often rally round and check-in frequently with you. However, this will inevitably change, and the texts, calls and visits will begin to dwindle, as those around assume you are 'doing ok'. Superficially, you may look like you are doing ok - you are back at work, seemingly holding it together in meetings and turning up at the school gate everyday. This does not mean however, that you are not still grieving deeply, what it does mean is that you have found a way to carry the grief, in order for you to be able to complete these necessary daily tasks. It does not mean that you don't continue to cry every night when you get into bed, or struggle each weekend when you find yourself with time on your hands to think about the loss. Grieving takes time - often so much longer than we may have ever believed it would take. There comes a time too, when those grieving begin to make conscious decisions about what they do say if someone asks how they are doing. Telling the truth may involve bringing the conversation down, causing it take a turn towards sadness. Those that are grieving tell us that they simply don't want to do this to friends and colleagues on an ongoing basis.

Love can grow in grief

You may not have ever thought of this, but it is entirely possible, not only to remain in a loving relationship with someone who has died, but to find that your love for them grows after they have gone. Grief is love, after al1 - and grief is our heart's unwillingness to give up on that love.

* As ever, if you are reading this because you are grieving at the moment, Caroline and I send you our warmest thoughts and our wish is that you find this information useful in your recovery.